The friend project: Being the last single friend

As I adjusted to single life again (I’ve always pretty much always been the token single friend apart from when I was in disastrous relationships with the wrong men) I felt different this time around. I’d aged 3 years during my last relationship and in that time ALL of my closest friends had got married and had babies, with a few being pregnant again right now. It’s all taking major adjusting like never before.

I’ve always been an amateur dramatic queen at hiding my true feelings but no matter how hard I try this time round it is actually beyond that. My instant reaction was positivity and optimism for the future. The relationship ended for the right reasons and that I could accept. What has been harder is as the weeks go by is the reality of adjustment back into single life, back into living in my parent’s spare room and fitting back into my friendships is becoming more and more different and difficult.

Being single isn’t the end of the world but did I ever in my wildest dreams imagine being single at 27? Absolutely not! Is there anything I can really do about it? No not really! Adjusting to not permanently having one person to turn to is a struggle. No longer do I go home to someone at the end of the day to share my stories, no longer do I have someone to share food with, to be silly with and more importantly no longer do I have someone to make me smile every day.

I totally get it. I understand they have their own lives to focus on, they have babies that rely on them, they have bigger grown up responsibilities. They don’t have time for me to be moaning on about my life, for me to drag them down

I’m a big advocate that the secret of friendships is that they flow, but this I need to address. See the problem is while my life has been flipped 360 degrees, dragged through a hedge backwards, run over by a bus and reversed back over for good measure, nothing in my friend’s lives has changed. They don’t feel the urge to leave their husbands and babies at home on a freezing cold Saturday night to drink my problems away. I totally get it. I understand they have their own lives to focus on, they have babies that rely on them, they have bigger grown up responsibilities. They don’t have time for me to be moaning on about my life, for me to drag them down. Equally so I don’t have time to waste. I need to be out, meeting new people, creating new experiences and finding me again.

This all emphasises my need for new friends. I absolutely love my current friends and I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for them. Of course I’m not ditching them but I am moving in a new direction where I need to make new friends at the same stage in life as me.

 

 

5 top tips how to cope with being the last single friend

  1. You’re allowed to feel lonely – I always find my family and friends say something like ‘but you’ve got us’ and while that is all good and well and you are grateful for them it can be shit not being in a couple. Going to weddings with no need for a ‘plus one’, no one to share gifts with on Christmas and just no partner in crime to get you through each day can make you feel lonely and you should allow yourself to accept the way that you feel but don’t dwell on it.
     
  2. You’re allowed to ignore your friends advice – Sometimes people like to give advice when you haven’t asked for it. It’s all too easy for friends with the security of marriage to advise how you should act, who you should be looking for and what you should be doing. Chances are they’ve been out of the dating game for years and things have changed since then.
     
  3. You’re allowed to be selfish – Book the holiday, buy the shoes and treat yourself to the perfume you’ve wanted forever. This is ‘you’ time so enjoy it and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for that.
     
  4. You’re allowed to relax and practice self-care – learn to meditate, listen to upbeat music, take lots of baths, pamper yourself, fill yourself with nourishing foods and get yourself to the gym. Make yourself feel like the best you possible.
     
  5. You’re allowed to date and ride the roller coaster of emotions that goes with it – Dating is tough! It’s a massive game. You want to be keen, you don’t want to be too keen, you’re worried how you look, what to say, when they’ll reply to your text…it can be emotionally exhausting. You will make mistakes, you will invest time with the wrong people but if you don’t date you will just never know.

 

Author: The Friend Coach

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